"Siaw" (crazy) to follow Jesus

I am second in a family of five children and grew up in a Taoist background. While my primary education was in a Catholic mission school in Batu Pahat, Johor, my secondary education was in a government school. I went to Kuala Lumpur for my ‘A’ levels and then started my professional accountancy course. Even though I did not have enough money, I went to London to complete my studies. I had to work as a supermarket helper to support myself through the four-and-a-half years there. During my studies in London, I went to a Catholic church for Mass every Sunday at the invitation of my aunt. However, I was only baptised in Singapore in June 1995 at the Church of the Risen Christ.

Climbing the corporate ladder

I came to Singapore at the end of 1992. My future was promising as I have three professional qualifications and worked for KPMG Singapore as a tax accountant. Like most people, I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and set my mind to earn as much money as I could so that I could retire by 50. The job rewarded me well with increments every year and promotion every two years. However, I never lost sight of God and attended daily Mass and prayed daily.

"Listening to God's Call..."
I probably heard the first call from God when I was attending the my Rite for Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) lessons. It came from a five-year-old girl who told her mother that I would one day become a priest. I laughed at it and brushed it aside.

After my baptism, I helped in the parish church served as a communion minister and lector. Often I visited the elderly and the sick to bring them Holy Communion. I felt the privilege of bringing Jesus to them. I often thought of how good it would be if it was a priest who brought the Holy Communion. He could also administer the Sacrament of Reconciliation to these people.

During weekends, I volunteered at the Home for the Aged at the Little Sisters of the Poor. I guess that was where God’s call to be a priest became stronger. I looked forward excitedly to the weekends, to spend my time doing simple tasks of feeding, talking, cutting toenails and fingernails and giving old men a shave. Deep in my heart there was a sense of joy when I served them. At times I did not want to go home when the work was done and had wished that I could stay on to be with them.

Those were six joyful years which led me to the novitiate.
I was very inspired by the missionary zeal and the selfless service of a few old French priests who resided in the Little Sister of the Poor. Despite their infirmities, they continue to serve the needs of the people. One day, Fr. Bryger, MEP asked me what I was doing for a living. I told him that I was an accountant. He told me not to work for “food” that will not last forever. I found myself asking: “Could God be calling me to be his priest?” Deep in my heart, I always wanted to do God’s will. But what is His will for me? Many of the nuns asked me if I had ever thought of the priesthood. One of the nuns suggested that I come and see Fr. Philip Heng, SJ. I told her that I would when the time was right.

While I also knew about the Carmelite Friars, the Redemptorists and the Diocesan priesthood, I was not attracted to any of them. In my prayer, I often asked God what His will was for me. I continued faithfully in my daily prayer and daily Mass and seeking His will.
In June 2001, after much persuasion from a friend, I reluctantly came to see Fr. Philip Heng, SJ. After seeing him for two months, I made an 8-day retreat with him. During the retreat, I was most impressed by the orderliness of the novitiate and the kindness of the novices. I thought to myself that it would be good to stay here.From then on I met Fr. Heng, SJ for spiritual directions once in every two to three months.

Some months later, I went for another retreat with the Jesuits in Chiangmai. I spoke about my predicaments with a Jesuit Father. He gave me a simple psychological test and I shared with him my struggles. He was really a godsend. He told me that there is no dichotomy between God’s will and my heart’s deepest desires. He added that if God calls me, it is my part to respond.

"Parental objection "
One of my biggest challenges in my vocation discernment was that my entire family objected to my decision to join the novitiate. I did not have the courage to tell my parents. I shared my vocation desires with my eldest brother and he told my parents just a year before I entered the novitiate. Being non-Christians, my parents could not understand why I had wanted to “throw away” all that I had achieved after the years of struggle to achieve them. In their minds, I went all the way to study in London and was the most educated of their children. My parents had always been proud of me. Moreover, I was the main breadwinner in the family.

I took great courage to apply to the Society of Jesus in October 2002. My greatest difficulty was the fear of failure – that thought of not making it. So, even when I applied for admission to the Society, I had silently prayed that I would fail the psychological tests and interviews so that I could console myself and tell God that I had done my part and get off the hook! Well, God has His ways and I am here.

Right up to the day I entered the novitiate on 22 April 2003, my mother was still very persistent. She cried and begged me to change my mind. So, the early months in the novitiate were filled with much struggle about my family. But with constant prayer and God’s abundant grace I was able to survive the trying period.

"Divine intervention "
In October 2003, my father was diagnosed with cancer of the rectum. That threw the family into much confusion. I experienced much support from my novitiate community, and especially my Novice Master. With much help and advice from a few of our benefactors, my family decided that my father should have his operation in Singapore. This was really God’s blessing, as my father was privileged to stay in the novitiate during the check-ups and post operation convalescence. My mother accompanied him and also stayed in the novitiate. The love, care and friendliness of my fellow brother novices made them feel part of the family. They had the chance to see the life in the novitiate and the people I live with. My father has since recovered.

More than the healing, God had intervened and helped them accept my decision to follow His will to become a Jesuit. I now call my parents once a month and that assures them that I have not abandoned them. The PEACE that I now have is really God’s gift.

"Deepening my vocation"
Fifteen months have gone by since I entered the novitiate. It is not easy and there are many challenges and adjustments to make. I just came back from my second Pastoral Experiment, after 6-weeks working as a garbage collector with Sembwaste (Sembawang Waste Pte Ltd). It was really God’s GRACE that kept me going during the six weeks. I felt very humbled each time a member of the public ignored me or covered his nose as he walked pass because of the smell.

Sebastian draining wastewater from dump truck

But the experience has helped me deepen my vocation further and to empathise with the poor and not just sympathise with them - for I have tasted their lives during the 6 weeks. Yet, the most fulfilling part of the experiment was witnessing to the Gospel – when ridiculed by my fellow co-workers I experienced Jesus’ words: “Go sell everything and follow me”. To my fellow co-workers, this was really “siao” (crazy), but for me it was being “siao” in following Jesus.

My brothers and sisters, I pray to God everyday for the grace to deepen my vocation. I also ask for your prayers for all of us Jesuit novices.

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