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Introduction :
My name is Juzito Fatima Rebelo and my family calls me Jito. I’m a second year novice from East Timor. While I feel privileged to share my experiences with you, I also feel a bit embarrass to tell you about myself because after this sharing, you may say, “God has called a wrong person.”
I come from a lukewarm Catholic family. My mum passed away four years ago. She was a prayerful woman. She always prayed the Rosary. She could not go to Church because of her epilepsy. My dad is a very kind person. He looks very holy, but only goes to Church twice a year.
My parents always taught us Christian values because both of them were educated in Catholic schools. My mum always told us to go for Mass every Sunday. Even though we were poor, my mum liked to help others. She always taught us to share our things with others and accept whatever we have, whether it is our food or clothing. She often told us, “Children! If you drop food or rice on the ground, pick up every grain and eat it because many people have nothing to eat. Remember! God is watching us.” As children, we obeyed every thing mum said.
The effect of injustice
Before I went to school, I was a very happy child. I had no enemies. But as I grew up, I began to see the injustice around me. Many people were tortured and killed; women were raped, but under the Indonesian military, there were no trials for such murders.
Witnessing all these, I became furious and hated the military. I lost all my interests in my studies. I was only thinking of how to fight these military men. At school, I never attended classes. I became a troublemaker and spent most of the time gambling, smoking and drinking with friends. I often fought with my Indonesian schoolmates and teachers. My parents were always worried for me. To most of my relatives, I was a bad apple in my family. However, my family never deserted me.
How did my vocation begin?
One day I hit a teacher. A nun advised me not to do that again. I felt very sorry and I apologized to the teacher. The nun was very happy with me. The next day, she called me into her class and gave me a New Testament Bible. While making the Sign of the Cross on my forehead, she said, “God bless you. Be a good boy. I’ll pray for you to become a priest.” I felt very embarrassed as everyone in class was laughing at me. (I’m sure if you were there you too would laugh at me.) After a while, I said, “Thank you sister, but I think you are crazy if you want to pray for me. Don’t waste your time.” Then I walked away. When I returned home, I was disturbed by what the sister said, but I ignored it. To me, it’s impossible for a rowdy man like me to become a priest.
The Bible changed my life.
Since then, I read the Bible everyday. Every time I read what Jesus said, I experienced something new. I always felt as though Jesus was speaking to me through the Bible.
One day, I visited one of my friends house. I noticed an elderly woman washing something in the kitchen. I thought she was preparing some food for the pigs. I asked, “Are you going to feed the pigs?” Kindly she replied, “No my son, this is the left over rice from last night. It is spoilt. I need to wash and dry it so that, we can cook and eat it again.”
I suddenly felt very sad and ashamed of myself. I realized how much money have I wasted on smoking and drinking while others are eating poilt food. I began to worry about these people even more. I felt that I had to do something to help them. I also became aware of how hard it is for my parents to earn their money to support me. I realize how much they loved and cared for me, but I never made them happy. I felt I was so ungrateful to them. So I stopped drinking, smoking and gambling. My parents and my teachers were very happy to see the change in me. In spite of this conversion, I never stopped hating the military.
My faith in God.
My faith in God began to grow, especially in times of danger. Once I was involved in a street clash. Suddenly a group of military men came out and started firing at us. We started to run for our lives. As I was about to run, a soldier stopped me. He pointed his gun directly at me and said, “Don’t run!” I stopped. Both of us stood motionless. The thought that was in my mind was, “Either he die, or I die first.” As this thought crossed my mind, I somehow felt within me that God would save me. I calmly reached for my Crucifix on my neck and pulled it out and pointed it at his face and said, “If you are greater than Him, shoot me now!” He became furious and started firing bullets in the air. He then turned around and walked away. I was saved. At that moment, some priests and government officials arrived and asked everyone to go home.
Since then, I got even more courage to fight for the independence of my country. Even though I was arrested and was tortured a few times, I never gave up and was never afraid of death. For me life is useless if I only live it for myself. There is no difference in dying today or tomorrow; my life is in God’s hands; no one can kill me, unless it is God’s will.
My brothers and sisters, as you listen to this story some of you maythink that I’m a hero of my country. No, I’m not. To me, the real heroes are those who have lost their legs and arms, parents and families, husbands and wives because of the war.
Facing new challenges and living away from God.
After independence, I began to reflect on all that God had done for me and I felt very grateful to Him. I knew that God had a purpose for me, but whatever it is, it is certainly not to be a priest. In my mind, I only desired to be either a good leader or be a rich man, so that I can help poor. I began attending Sunday Masses regularly. I always prayed for my parents to have a long and comfortable life. I had made them uffer a lot. So, I want to have time to make them happy. But, as I was praying for this intention, my mother died very suddenly. It was a very painful experience for me. I could not accept that this could happen. So, I got angry with God and stopped praying and stopped going for Mass.
Life without God is like an empty vessel floating on the sea, knowing nowhere to go .
Since then, even though my family loved me, I felt as though my life had no longer any meaning. One day, as I was sitting alone, I asked myself, “If God does not exist, who created me then? Can I make a drop of blood? Can I make a flower grow? Etcetera, etcetera! All these questions appeared again and again, but I found no answers to them. So, I began to believe in the existence of God and turned back to Him. Somehow, the bad Sprit continued to influence me. I refused to go to the church because I was too ashamed of my sins. I also thought that God will never forgive me even if I go for Mass daily.
The more I keep myself away from God, the more He calls me.
However, what really surprised me was whenever I met strangers and talked with them, they would ask me, “Are you a seminarian…?” Many people who got to know me too would make similar remarks. I kept all these in my heart pondered on them. Gradually, I began to feel attracted to the priesthood vocation. It was like falling in love with a girl. I found it difficult to sleep at night. I always imagined myself celebrating Mass as a priest. In spite of all of these, I never believed that God was calling me. Moreover, the information I got about the priesthood further discouraged me. Some people told me that once we join the seminary, we would have to study and pray the whole day. And, I hated studies and praying. So, such a life will certainly make me crazy.
But, God has his own way.
One day I went to attend a talk in one of the universities about the priesthood. During the tea break, I over heard two men saying that the Jesuit priests never say Mass and never pray. They only need to serve people. I was very happy to hear that, as this was the type of priesthood I was looking for. To make a long story short, I approached the Jesuits and later applied to join them. I was accepted into the one year pre-Novitiate programme. And now, as you can see, I am here. In the novitiate programme here, we have Mass daily! We also have to wake up at 5.15 am every morning to pray for one hour and pray again for another half hour during the day. This type of praying is much more than I ever expected.
Life in the Novitiate.
In my early days as a novice here, I found everything to be so difficult. Everything is new, especially for us East Timorese. The language, culture, different ages and educational backgrounds made me feel like a kindergarten student. Most of the other novices have university degrees and I only have O levels. I often asked myself, “What can I do to serve God? Unlike the other novices, I have nothing and I have left nothing behind. So, I sometimes ask God, “Are You sure You called the right person?”
My consolation is I believe that when God calls us He will give us all the graces that we need. The deep joy and the peace that I have found in this novitiate for the past one and a half years, is something that I have never experienced in my life before. Fr Heng, my Novice Master, assures me that such deep joy and peace that can only come from God. And these are God’s ways of confirming my call to be a Jesuit. I believe him. And so, I leave my future in God’s hands . . . and I feel happy and excited to want to serve Him in any way, at any time and in any place . . . even in Singapore.
GOD BLESS …!
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