vocation stories

Justin Joannis, SJ

Being Happy :
Choosing to be a Jesuit and living my life for the Lord

God in my early life
When Fr. Philip Heng, SJ, invited me to share my vocation story with you, I knew the moment has come for me to glorify the Lord by sharing with you how He has called me to the Society of Jesus or the Jesuits, as we are more commonly known as.

I am a Sabahan – Kadazan, and I come from a family of eight. When I was a child, my mother, who is now 68 years old, often shared with me her devotion to Mother Mary through the Holy Rosary. My father died when I was 5 years old. As such, I didn’t know much about him except from the stories my mother told me. Two of my sisters converted to Islam. Despite their conversion, my family accepts and loves them unconditionally. In fact, my family’s unconditional love has always been my earliest and most constant memory of God’s presence in my life as a Christian. This love also taught me to reach out to and dialogue with believers of other faiths.

When I was in secondary school, my mother told me that my father’s dying wish was to see at least one family member serving in God’s vineyard. I could not comprehend the significance of his desire until I witnessed the first ever-local ordination in our native village of Fr. Cornelius Piong, who is now the Bishop of Keningau Diocese in Sabah. I did not understand why I felt the way I did but this ordination left me with a strong desire to become a priest myself; I wanted to imitate Fr. Cornelius’ gift of himself to God and His people. I was filled with deep peace whenever I thought about this.

Finding God amidst oil palm and cocoa trees
However, I was still young, only 14 at that time, and I needed to continue my studies in order to support my family. After I had completed my secondary studies, and later my LCCI examinations in 1985, I landed my first job as an Accounts cum Internal Audit clerk at Taiko Plantations in Tawau, Sabah.

It was an interesting and challenging life working in the cocoa and oil palm industry. During the four years I worked there, my on-going relationship with, and understanding of, God was not very deep. My working place was about 40 to 50 miles away from the town and the nearest church. I could only attend Holy Mass on Sundays; participating in church activities on weekdays was impossible. Many a time I felt lonely at work. Apart from the other colleagues on the plantation, all that surrounded me were oil palm and cocoa trees. So, I began to question the purpose of my work and life. About a year before I resigned from Taiko, I developed a relationship with a Muslim woman. My brother-in-law and my mother strongly objected to this relationship. At first, I disagreed with them, but eventually I accepted their objections. Though I was not an active Catholic at that time, the one thing I could not bring myself to do was to go against God’s will. Looking back, I am convinced God made His presence felt through my family; He lovingly preserved me for something better through my mother’s and my family’s loving concern and prayer.

From Taiko, I moved on to Kota Kinabalu, which is only a two-hour drive from my village. Here, I settled into a more decent job in the Sabah Bank Berhad where I worked in the Finance department. This change marked a new chapter in my life. I was blessed to have a rented room in a house belonging to the Good Shepherd Sisters, which was adjacent to the Carmelite monastery. I had the privilege of attending daily morning Mass at the Carmelite Chapel and was even invited to serve as an altar server. Here, I experienced God’s unfathomable mercy and love, and I found myself drawing even closer to Him.

Coming and Going: In God’s Time
After some months in Kota Kinabalu, I found myself moved to meet and discuss with a few priests whom I knew about my desire to join the diocesan priesthood. After being interviewed by my Parish Priest and Bishop John Lee, I was accepted into St. Peter’s College (SPC) Seminary in Kuching, Sarawak in February, 1991. A month before I entered the Seminary, however, I had the opportunity to attend a concert promoting the Jesuit vocation by Fr. Jojo Fung, S.J. at St. Simon Church, Likas, Kota Kinabalu. I felt my desire to respond to God’s will to serve in His vineyard very much affirmed and strengthened. However, at that time, I still felt called to serve the needs of the local church as a diocesan priest rather than as Jesuit. I completed my Philosophy studies in 1993. Then, I took a year’s leave of absence from the Seminary to give myself some personal space and time which I felt I needed before I moved on to my studies in Theology; I had no intention of leaving the Seminary for good.

I returned to the working world again and ended up working for my previous employer at Sabah Bank Berhad in July 1994. I was soon transferred to the newly opened branch at Bandar Sri Damansara, Selangor. Being away from the Seminary, I continued to seek God’s intimate guidance and protection, trusting that I would resume my seminary formation sometime in the near future. St. Peter’s Seminary however had extended my year’s leave of absence to three years in spite of my letters seeking re-admission to resume by studies. This discouraged me a lot.

After some time, I no longer believe I was called to the diocesan priesthood. I thought God had turned His back on me. Indeed, I was like doubting Thomas. I began to consider other possibilities of living my life, in particular, the married life. In my confusion, disappointment and uncertainty after letting go of my vocation to the diocesan priesthood, I chose to live a life which was not pleasing in God’s eyes. I began to ask the Lord to forget about me as far as serving in His vineyard was concerned. I prayed to Jesus in my heart asking Him to call and choose others instead of me. I was no longer as prayerful and committed in my faith as I used to be. Church activities no longer interested me; instead living a worldly life and trying to succeed in business became the focus of my life.

During this time, I found myself getting involved in one relationship after another in search of my true soul mate. In the mean time, my family members and closed friends in Sabah were deepening their spiritual lives, especially through the devotion of the Holy Rosary. What a big contrast: they were praying faithfully while I was drifting around aimlessly. I got involved in two relationships that failed. These convinced me that I had made the wrong choices in life. I was terribly confused and disillusioned, and the question of a priestly vocation suddenly surfaced again even though I was involved in so many non-Catholic activities. I came to my senses and begged God to take charge of my life and to show me the way. This time, I surrendered myself wholeheartedly to God.

A sinner yet called
It was almost seven long years since I left SPC Seminary; I had wandered far, and aimlessly, and I was exhausted in my search for my direction in life. It was time to come home. I felt like the prodigal son in the Gospel. After a month of intense, honest and humble prayers, I received God’s first sign of His will for me: I stumbled across the weekly church bulletin announcing the Jesuit Vocation Camp, which was to be held in Kuala Lumpur. There I met Fr Philip Heng, SJ. It was October 2000. During the Camp, I learned that Jesuits are sinners, yet called to serve. Yes, I was a sinner and yes, God was indeed calling me to serve Him. What a wonderful feeling to know that God still loved me after all the years in the desert, so to speak.

Indeed, those feelings of affirmation and encouragement I experienced 10 years before, in Kota Kinabalu at the concert promoting Jesuits Vocation before I entered SPC, surfaced and set my heart on fire once again. I knew then and there that God had always wanted me to serve Him, only this time to serve Him and His people not only locally but, to all people in the world for that is the Jesuit charism.

Eighteen months have passed since I entered this Novitiate. I daily ask myself whether I am faithful to what I have committed myself to, which is to live and serve for the greater glory of God like all Jesuits. I try to as best I can and as John B. Foley, SJ writes in his profound article, “Reflections on the Vows”:

None of us can always live up to the ideals in our daily lives. We do not say yes all the time; we say no and say it quite often. When we feel the invitation to growth, to unselfish love and service, often we do not follow through. Sometime we do not even feel the invitation!. However, we must be forgiving of ourselves and proceed with deeper trust in our Lord as we take one step at a time.

Yes, I believe after 18 months in the Novitiate, I take each step with greater confidence in the Lord, and as each day passes I experience healing and growth, towards a deeper love and service, for God’s people. Indeed, I experience a deeper union with our Lord. And I am happier now than I have ever been in my life, simply being a Jesuit and living my life for the Lord.

Sisters and brothers in Christ, I have come to the end of my sharing. Let us keep each other in prayer and remain always, friends in the Lord.

Links
· Choosing a Vocation
· More Vocation Stories
· Prayer