Introduction:
My name is Isaias Abilio Caldas. In the novitiate everybody calls me Isaiah. I come from East Timor. I am the second of six siblings. I grew up in a kampong which is very far from the capital city, Dili. My father is a primary school teacher and my mother is a housewife. My mother too does farming to help support the financial needs of the family. Both have to work hard to send the six of us to school.

Our family also brings up one of one our cousin who lost his parents. My mom is a very compassionate person. She often asked us to give our clothing to our neigbours who are poorer than us. We were taught never to waste any thing. Life is full of hardship and we should learn to share what we have with others who are in need; take nothing for granted. After school, my siblings and I had to help out in the farm instead of going out to play. Thus, we envied other children very much.

I remember my father once telling us, "Your mother and I may be poor, but you are our treasures. You are our every thing. You bear our names. As long as we are alive, we will try to give you the best of what we have. You on your part must remember how much hardship we have to go through to provide for your needs. Do your best in life; work hard and you will succeed in life. Whenever I face difficulties, I try to recall these words of my father.

Inspired by parish priest to be priest in my childhood plays
As our home was far from the city, and as there were so few priests in East Timor, it was impossible for priests to come to our village to say Mass every Sunday. If they turn up, it would be a great blessing for us. When the priest came, all of us kids would surround him, sing songs and listen keenly to all the stories he would tell us. Our Parish Priest was very friendly and inspiring. So, I wanted to be a priest like him when I grew up. When my friends and I acted out a wedding Mass, I always insisted to take the role of the priest as I thought all priests went straight to heaven when they died. I refused to be the bridegroom because I didn't want to go to hell. I would even often ask my parents to pray for me to become a priest. Looking back, it seems, God was already calling me to be a priest even in these child plays. He wanted me to bless real weddings.

The desire for priesthood never left me since my childhood. So, at the age of 14, after my secondary school I joined the Minor Seminary. This was a 4-year Candidacy programme to prepare for the Major Seminary formation. My father was willing to allow me to join the seminary; my mother did not object, but my grandmother preferred that I not join because she wanted me to be married and to help the financial needs of the family. I assured my grandmother that I will always pray for the family and that God will always take care of them.

On several occasions, I wanted to leave the Minor Seminary because of my worries of the financial needs of my family. However, my father would always say, "Don't worry about us. Focus on your vocation and God will take care of us. If you eventually become a priest, even after we die, we will be very happy."

Experiencing the problems of teenagers
There were 30 seminarians in the Minor Seminary. Other than having to go to the Jesuit run, St Joseph High School for classes, the rules and regulations of the seminary were so strict that we felt like we were held captives as prisoners. Like many other teenagers, we were quite a wild bunch. We wanted more freedom and independence. So, we did the opposite of what the seminary wanted of us. At night, we jumped over the fence and went for parties. When the Prefect of Discipline found out, he was so upset with us that he dismissed many of us. I survived for some years, but eventually, I too was thrown out. Today, of the 30 seminarians who joined with me, only one is studying in the Major Seminary in Dili.

My parents were not discouraged by my expulsion from the Minor Seminary. They understood why a teenager would rebel against such,, rigid rules of the seminary. So, they continued to encourage me to continue to discern my vocation in life. In my quiet times, I realised that my deep desires of wanting to be a priest never left me. I still wanted to say the real Masses and bless the real weddings as a priest.

Motto of St. Joseph High School
The Jesuit run, diocesan, St Joseph High School that I was studying in had the motto, "Men and Women for others." We were often asked to reflect on the meaning of this motto. We were reminded that we are created in the image and likeness of God and thus, we cannot live solely for ourselves, but for the needs of others.
In 1999, my country East Timor was in great turmoil. We were fighting for our independence. Thousands of innocent people were killed brutally. Hundreds took refuge in our school. The Jesuits of our school provided food and shelter for these desperate people and protected them from being killed by the militia and Indonesian military. They also helped many to escape into the jungles. A young Jesuit, Fr Diwanto, who was ordained barely one month, was gunned down at point blank when he stood between the military and his people, and refused to step aside. Another 73 year old Jesuit priest, Fr Albrecht was also killed because of his fearless protection of the innocent people. The Jesuits' witness of "being men for others" during such crisis of my country truly inspired me. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be a Jesuit priest. Soon after our independence, I applied to join the Jesuit Candidacy programme of 1 year and 3 months, in Dili. In 2004 I received the good news that I was accepted to join the novitiate here in Singapore. Hearing this good news every body in my kampong was overjoyed. Leaving them was not easy. The airport became a funeral parlour for awhile.

Novitiate formation
I have been in this novitiate for the past 22 months. The diversity of cultures, ages, and levels of academic studies, languages, backgrounds and temperaments is always challenging and never easy. At times I struggle and feel frustrated and unworthy to be in such a novitiate. But thank God for the Novitiate programme. It helps me to see things differently. It has formed and shaped me to be a better Jesuit. It helps me to clarify and test the genuine calling of God through my 30 days retreat, 3 pastoral experiments of 6 weeks each. In these Pastoral Experiments, I was sent to St. Joseph Home for the Aged to take care of the elderly, to work in SembWaste as a garbage collector and to learn about humility in being exploited as a migrant worker in a landscaping company. These Pastoral Experiments challenged me to be mobile and available to do anything with anyone in any place for the greater glory of God.

When I left East Timor I left my family, but in Singapore I have found a new family of young people who share my deepest ideals of wanting to put Christ at the centre of our lives. The community life is challenging and enriching. We share our talents and challenge each other to grow together. Monthly spiritual directions help me to discern my vocation and deepen my commitment. The Ignatian Spiritual Exercises help me to build up an intimate relationship with our Lord and to know His constant presence in my daily life. The Novitiate program not only forms me spiritually, but also helps me to understand and know myself through the PPSI (Physio, Psycho and spiritual Integration) programme. I must say that it is not easy to know oneself. Sometimes it is scary and frustrating especially to deal with one's pains and hurts of the past. I now become more aware of myself, of my weaknesses and strengths. Yes, I have found everything in life. I have also found that I have a special gift in this Novitiate of breaking plates, casseroles and glasses. Fr. Heng would give me an "A" grade for that.

Looking back at the 22 months or so it has been the most wonderful and fulfilling time of my life because I have found the deepest meaning of my life.

Links
· Choosing a Vocation
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