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My name is Gustavo Soares. I am 20 years old, an East Timorese and a Jesuit novice. This is my story …

I come from a simple Catholic family. My father is a farmer and owns & 3 fields; my mother is a housewife. I am the eldest in a family of two girls and four boys. All my siblings are still studying.

I come from a poor family and my parents have to work very hard to provide us with a good education. Even though we are poor, my parents would always share the harvest of our paddy with our neighbours who are poorer than us. They have taught me how to be generous with people in need.

The call to the priesthood
When I was in primary school, I was attracted by the white cassock of our old Parish Priest. I was so attracted by it that when I went home, I put on my mother’s white wedding gown, and stood in front of a big mirror just to see how I looked in it. So mothers, if your sons ever wear your weeding gown, don’t be alarmed by it. Perhaps they want to be priest.

One day, my class teacher asked us, “What do want to be in life?” Some said ... teacher, nurse, doctor, police et cetera.

I didn’t give my answer, so he asked me, “Gustavo, What about you?” I replied, “I felt shy, teacher.”
“Why?” he asked.
I replied, “Because mine is different.”
“What is it?” He asked.
"I want to wear the white cassock."
“You mean to be a priest?”

I nodded at him. All of my classmates laughed at me. To them it was very funny because priests cannot get married.
After that I began to be involved in church activities as a kid. I joined Sunday Bible study. Through this, I got to know some priests and nuns. They told us the stories of saints and the martyrs. The more we heard those stories, the more active we became in the Church. Actually what got us most excited was plucking the oranges from the nuns’ garden after bible study. This sometimes upset the nuns, but they would keep quite because at least we were active in the church.

I left all these joyful moments behind me when I continued my studies in a junior high school that was as a different village. Even as I attended Masses every morning, my desire for the priesthood vocation began to fade. Instead, I wanted to be a doctor.

One day, during my third year, some brothers from the Congregation of the Divine Word came to our school to give a recollection and shared with us their vocation stories. They were very simple in their manner and very humble. To my surprise, my desires to wear the “white cassock” returned and they were even stronger than before. When I asked them for more information, they said, “It’s very easy to be a priest, just study and pray; no need to work hard because everything is provided.” Only study? Ok ... this is what I want.

I didn’t tell anyone about these desires of mine. However, somehow my headmaster and the nuns of the college seem to sense this in me. So, every time they met me, they would ask me, “Gus, when will you join the seminary?” At first I did not reply, but the more I kept quiet, the more they pestered me. So, at last, I decided to join the diocesan seminary. I was then only 15 years old.

There were 27 seminarians in our batch when we began, but by the end of the third year there were only 4 of us left. When my fellow seminarians left the seminary, because the rules were too harsh or they found that they had no vocation, I felt very sad and was also tempted to leave with them. However, their friendship and kindness strengthened my desire to remain and to serve God.

Why Jesuit?
While I was in the diocesan seminary, I was in constant contact with Jesuit Fathers. They were our teachers and Spiritual Directors. Over the years, I began to see that the Jesuits were very different from other priests in East Timor. Their simplicity, availability, zeal for the mission, intellectual abilities, deep desires to serve the poor and the needy especially the refugees in West Timor attracted me. Gradually, the Jesuit charism to serve any people anywhere and any time captured my imagination. These desires grew so strong that one day, I decided to leave the diocesan seminary to apply to join the Jesuit pre-Novitiate programme.

A gift from generous parents to their beloved son
The moment my father heard from my mother that I wanted to be a priest, he was really mad. He had never expected me to choose this way of life. The reason was simple; I am the eldest son among my siblings. His hopes were that I be successful in my career and then support the family instead of choosing a vocation that does not pay you even a penny. I felt really torn between saying “Yes” to God to join the Jesuits, and in seeing how my parents had to continue to suffer to provide for my family. My mother however reacted differently. She encouraged me to pursue my vocation to be a Jesuit. As I was torn and did not know what to do, I begged God to come to my aid.

One night after dinner, my father told me, “Gus, I realize that so far, I have been preventing you from doing God’s will. I cannot continue this way. If you really feel that this is what God wants you to be in your life, I cannot hold you back. We are all concerned about your happiness. We have done our part. Your mother and I have taken care of you from the time you were born until now. We are aware that God uses us as His instrument, to prepare you and guide you to do what God wants of you. The decision is now in your hand. Our advice is, “Choose the right path in life that makes you and us happy.””

For a moment, I was lost for words. I was motionless; tears began to flow down my cheeks. The deep joy that I felt at what I heard from my father cannot be fully described. This was the moment that I had been praying for. I was so grateful to God and to my parents for their generosity for allowing me to choose God’s will even though they knew that they would not have their eldest son's financial support for the family’s needs. This is indeed God’s grace.

Painful growth in the novitiate
Coming to Singapore was not easy for me. I had to settle into a first world country and live with fellow brother novices who have different cultures, education backgrounds and interests. However, as Jesuit novices, we are called to be companions of Jesus, and this binds all of us. We are trying to live our charism daily and this is the enriching part. The laughter we have in the novitiate makes me feel that the day passes very fast.

Yet, everyday is not “honey moon”. On special Feast days, we have ice-cream; at other days, we have ice without cream. We need to be challenged by Father Philip sometimes, so that we can grow more in our desire to serve God.

In my second Pastoral Experiment, I was sent to work as a migrant worker in Jurong Bird Park for six weeks. This helped me realise that, to commit one self to serve God is not easy unless God alone is our Foundation. I felt very humbled when I was asked to clean the stones and bleach the bridges. I felt like I was no body. But, I realise that only if I become a “no body”, then God can make me a “somebody”. Through this experiment and other challenges in the novitiate programme, my desire to serve God as a Jesuit became stronger.

I have come to the end of the time allotted to me. So, my brothers and sisters, if you feel God is calling you or your child, in what ever way, don't be afraid to answer to that calling. You will never regret it because God will make you very happy and fulfilled and you will be able to serve many people. Thank you for your generosity and please pray for us and for more vocation to the priesthood and religious life.