vocation stories

Alvin Ng, nSJ

Fools Rush in where Angels Fear to Tread

I am Alvin Ng; 34 years old, a Malaysian from Kuching, Sarawak and I have been residing in Singapore for the past 13 years as a permanent resident. This is my story…

Growing up in Sarawak, East Malaysia

I come from a third-generation Catholic family and was baptised shortly after birth. Both my parents are retirees; dad was a civil servant while mom was a schoolteacher. I am the 3rd child in a family of 2 boys and 2 girls; a married older brother and two sisters who, interestingly will be getting married within the next 6 months. No prize for guessing who is left on the shelf - the one who is considering, by God’s grace, a different kind of marriage!

Growing up in Kuching in the late 60s and 70s meant a rather carefree and happy childhood for me. Life then was idyllic and there was no such thing as tuitions or music lessons after school. Of course there was also no television. Instead there was tree climbing, kite flying and getting canned by my mother if I came home late or if I picked up some unsavoury vocabularies from the neighbourhood kids. That was life back then.

My family was not rich and my parents had to work hard to ensure a good education and upbringing for my siblings and I. Their advice was: “Study hard, no girlfriends or boyfriends until you are out of school and you are then free to choose any career you want.” (Sometimes I think that bit about not having any girlfriends worked a bit too well!) For what they could not give us materially, my parents made up for it in quality time spent together as a family. These times were precious for me because my father spent many years working outstation in Sarawak, leaving my mother the arduous task of bringing us up.

My attraction to religious life started when I began attending St Joseph’s School, a De La Salle institution run by the Mill Hill Brothers. The Irish brothers, in their starched white cassocks made an impression on me and I remember saying to myself when I was about 10 years old, “That’s what I want to be when I grow up!” Exactly what that meant, I had no idea but the attraction never left me. While waiting for my A-level results, I attended a priesthood vocation camp at St Peter’s College, Kuching’s major seminary that was just across the road from the school. The camp, together with a heartfelt discussion with the Rector (now Archbishop John Ha of Kuching) had such a profound effect on me that I would have joined the seminary there and then if not for Rev Ha’s wise counter advice. With a laugh, he remarked, “ Fools rush in where angels fear to tread”, and suggested that I pursue first, my university studies followed by getting some working experience whilst keeping my heart and mind open to God’s call. Words of wisdom!

Shortly after this, I came to Singapore and enrolled at NUS, graduating four years later with a BA Honours in History and Japanese Studies. I landed a job with SATS and worked in frontline customer services. Life became jet-settingly exciting and I was soon busy living up to the demands of ‘yuppyhood.’ I was financially independent, did not spare myself anything that I fancied and started on the road to accumulate my 5 Cs. Not surprisingly, the fulfillment was short-lived. After 9 years in the corporate world, I found myself dissatisfied, unfulfilled, stressed up and longing for something that I could not quite put my finger on, even though carrer-wise, I was on my way up the corporate ladder. Outwardly, I was successful but inside, my life was a sorry mess.

God's gentle call becoming clearer

Then it came: the disturbing thought of leaving all this behind to be a priest. I have not forgotten my childhood wish but it had become very blurred, and I have come to view it as something naïve and idealistic, sweet but quite impossible to fulfill. I mean, I was a typical Sunday Catholic by this point in my life. I felt embarrassed that I even thought of it because my materialistic lifestyle left me feeling unworthy of such a noble call. But the thought of becoming a priest simply would not go away and it had the strangest ability to pop into my head at the most unexpected moments – like when I see a beautiful sunset or when I hear a lovely piece of music – and it always left me feeling refreshed, a sense of being loved.

It does not take brains to figure out that this was none other than the gentle voice of God calling to me but I was unwilling to give it any attention because I felt that I have invested too much in my career and lifestyle to give it all up. Most of all, I feared that that there was no call at all; that I was simply running away from my job, the stress and pressure of which made anything else looked attractive, even religious life. I finally did what I should have done from the start – pray – and came to the resolution to discern this call. I began to involve myself with church activities.

Then one day at work, my Muslim boss remarked that I would make a good priest. Now if that is not a sign from God, I don’t know what it is! Still, it took a year before I convinced myself that I was not running away from my job and that my call to religious life may be real. Indeed, married life held no appeal for me and I could not find any convincing reasons why I should not be a priest; I was not in a relationship and I knew my siblings could take care of my parents. It all seemed to make sense. Reflecting on my life thus far, I also began to see that it has been a very blessed and happy one – no life crises, no deep hurts, no big decisions to make. Now here I was confronted with this life-changing choice, the first real crossroad of my life. ‘Oh what the heck’, I thought, ‘go for it’! I reckoned that if I should err in my decision, I would at least err on the side of God! Deep down however, I know that my decision is founded on an immense sense of gratitude to God for everything He has given me and I want to give something in return. Even if it was only a token, the only way was to say ‘yes’ to His call. By this time, the thought of priesthood consistently filled me with a deep sense of peace, joy and fulfillment. Indeed, it even began to look disturbingly attractive!

I confided this to a friend who suggested that I see Fr Philip Heng for proper discernment. Until we met, I had no idea that Fr Heng was a Jesuit. Infact up to this point, I only desired to be a priest and to talk to someone about it; I was quite indifferent about the choice of congregation. It was only much later that I discovered that discernment was one of the hallmarks of a Jesuit. I discerned with Fr Heng for about 6 months and my doubts slowly cleared. The rest, as they say, is history. I will always remember New Year’s Eve 2001 – it was the day I broke the news to my parents and received their happy blessings to join the Society.

The fool who rushed in ... and found God

Four months later, I was welcomed into this novitiate, on that auspicious date now so familiar to all: 22 April 2002. For me, it was a supreme leap of faith to move from my jet-setting, flamboyant lifestyle to one governed by the 3 vows of poverty, obedience and chastity. I had this preconceived idea that religious life was all about prayer, scripture, meditation and cold silence; a monastic lifestyle alienated from rest of the world, where individualism is non-existent and where everyone is a saint wannabe. Am I glad I was wrong! What I found instead, was a very vibrant, very down-to-earth and very human community of individuals who are struggling to live a life as best as God called each to be; sinners yet called. There is laughter, music and yes, fun, just as there is silence, prayers and meditation, retreats and pastoral experiments; a time for everything, a time to discover God and through Him, discover my own self. One year and four months have gone by and as cliché as it sounds, I have never been happier. It is not happiness in the “Hooray, I won the lottery!” sense of the word but happiness that goes right to the very depth of one’s being and expresses itself through a deep sense of peace, fulfillment and gratitude. It is a sense of knowing that I have made the right choice and that what I want is really what God wants too. Yes, I was the fool who rushed in … and found God.

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