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Introduction :
I grew up in a Catholic home, went to a Catholic school (St. Gabriel’s) and was in my parish church choir and the Legion of Mary. The extended family on my father’s side is Catholic, and living the Catholic faith was very much part of our lives.
Seed of Vocation :
I had a Gabrielite Brother for my form teacher in secondary 3 & 4. He was a young brother who was great with mathematics and science. But it was his dedication to us students that made him so effective an educator. He would teach some of us after school in the brothers’ quarters. I was one of the beneficiaries. Visiting the brothers’ quarters gave me a glimpse into the other side of the brothers’ life. I became attracted to their lives as teaching religious. This was the first time I thought about, or should I say infatuated with religious life.
First call:
I had to support myself through university since my dad had retired and I was the eldest in the family. Mom was a housewife. Providing for the family became my priority in life.
After university, a religious vocation was the last thing on my mind. Yet, strangely, I accepted an invitation to attend a vocation camp organized by the diocese. That weekend, I heard stories of how fulfilling and meaningful the lives of the priests and religious were. How they touched the lives of the people they served. And, how living their religious vows made a difference to others’ lives! I understood what they were saying. The Gabrielite Brothers had made a deep impression in my life. Deep within me I wanted to be a part of their work and perhaps even live their vocation.
I started aspiring with the La Salle Brothers. Providentially, I started relief teaching at St Patrick’s School. I soon discovered that teaching the boys was very fulfilling; especially the naughty ones in the “Normal” stream! I realized that I was making a difference in their lives. I was helping them to be more matured.
The Brothers perhaps saw that I had a vocation. So they were pressing me for a decision to join them. I wanted to say ‘Yes’, but there were the needs of my family to fulfill. I couldn’t abandon my family. So, I had to say ‘No’!
Those teaching days were difficult times. I was the sole breadwinner in the family. Obviously when my mom knew of my desire to join religious life, she strongly objected and cried. She couldn’t see how the family could manage without me. I was in turmoil!
I stopped going to church!
In fact, over many months that followed, I became disappointed. Confused! Angry! Upset! I didn’t know what to do with my life. I became lonely. To cope with these feelings, I plunged and buried myself with work. I felt better; I had new friends and activities to fill my time. There was always something to do during the weekends. I became absorbed in my work. I was also getting recognized and rewarded for it. Meanwhile, I stopped going to Church and was getting used to the secular lifestyle.
God shook me from my comfort zone
While work took up all my time and energy, I started feeling a “restlessness” within me. I felt that I had to get back to the people I had previously shared a deep spiritual experience with. I began to realize that only God can fill the emptiness within me. So I decided to visit the brotherhood in the covenant community in Manila. I treaded cautiously because I was afraid of being disappointed, again. I didn’t want to be too caught up in any pious rituals. I went to the brothers’ prayer room to pray. As I prayed, I experienced the God I knew so well before. I felt as though I was the prodigal son who had returned. (“Father, I had sin against heaven and you! I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”). I wept, unashamedly before God - the God who had always loved me. I felt His deep and unconditional love for me that afternoon. I told Him that I was ready to return to His flock and to live my life totally for Him.
But, this was not easy at all, especially when I had been away for so many years. So, God had to do more. Meanwhile, the “restlessness” in my heart remained. I felt that God was calling me to something deeper. I felt He had more in store for me. So, I prayed more intensely. I was so intent on discerning God’s will.
God answered through an advertisement in the Catholic News!
Eventually, God answered me through an advertisement. The words “Discernment Weekend” caught my attention in the Catholic News. “Discernment Weekend -organized by the Jesuits”. Never mind if the Jesuits were an intellectual lot. I never thought that I could fit there. However, the word “Discernment” grabbed me. I needed discernment so badly. So, I risked it!
I called Fr Heng to speak to him. He started saying: “Oh, it good for young men to discern their vocations!” I said: “Father, I am as old as Fr Colin!” He immediately replied: “Oh, it’s OK. We have a Thai novice here who is older than Fr Colin”. That broke the inhibition. I attended the Discernment Weekend in 2002.
I had doubts….if God was calling me?
During and after the Discernment Weekend, I kept asking myself these questions, “What if God wasn’t calling me? “What if my feelings were just my emotions? After all, I had strayed from God for so long. However, God had given me a helper in my discernment through Fr Philip Heng.
During my discernment journey, I felt unworthy to be called to be a Jesuit religious. So I shared my feelings with Adrian Danker, SJ, a second year novice then. He assured me: “Matt, God puts us through all kinds of experiences so that we would be humbler, and better able to understand people”. Those words helped me put all that I had gone through, including the “detours”, in perspective - God’ perspective. I remember these words each time I face difficult challenges in my novitiate life I know that each experience is to make me a better person to serve Him.
Novitiate - I had to struggle with detachment
It has been 21 months since I entered the novitiate. How have these months been? Well, one of my struggles in the novitiate was with detachment from my family. I faced it most during my first Pastoral Experiment a year ago. Together with Sebastian, a fellow novice, I was sent to work in the Mariam Home for the Aged, run by the Canossian Sisters, in Johor, for six weeks. Throughout the time there, we were not allowed to have any contact with our families, except for emergencies.
It was really difficult for me to see how the aged in the home were cared for, while my mom had to cope without me at home. When one of the old ladies in the Home fell and groaned in pain, it brought me deep anguished because my mom too could fall at home and be in pain, and I was not there for her”. This incident made me think of my mom even more. So I kept asking myself, “How was mom doing without me?” “Is she OK?” “Can I trust God with her?” These were painful questions and through them I learnt to trust God even more. In all of these, I only wanted to be sure that God was taking care of my mom. Deep within, I had no doubts that God would take care of her, as mom was so generous in allowing me to join the Jesuits. God had never failed to give mom, me and my brothers the graces we needed.
Conclusion
Brothers and sisters, it has not been easy to share my deep experiences in public. Remembering what my mom has to go through was painful. But in trying to piece my vocation story together, I have deepened my faith and commitment to God. I hope what I have shared will give courage to you, and others who are in similar situation.
I have been surprised, over and over again, by God’s providence and goodness to me. Our Lord would often remind and encourage me in these words: “And every one who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.” (MT 19:29).
I ask for your prayers for all of us in religious life. It’s God who calls. It is His will that we must all live, regardless of the sacrifices and pain that come with the call.
Thank You, and May God bless you always.
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